Toastmasters Competent Communicator Project 10

Be a spectacularly good listener

Have you ever wondered what factors help you deliver your speech successfully? Of course there is lot of preparation, research, and practice behind every successful speech. But there is one more important factor that provides encouragement to you. And that is effective listening by your audience that keeps you going. If you see heads nodding, or their body language inclined towards you, you know they have gifted their attention to you. And it's so much motivating as having somebody's attention has really become a scarce commodity. People are so much self-absorbed and bombarded with so much of information they can hardly spare their attention to speaker in front of them.

How many people you know who, while you speak to them, make you feel that world around them has stopped because they have genuine fascination with what you speak and what is going to come out next of your mouth? How many people listen to you with so much intensity of concentration that they can actually hear the silence between each one of your words? Hardly anyone, right? Follow the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. To be listened effectively, try to make yourself a spectacular listener. As per my observation, most of the people pretend to listen, but the fact is they just wait for speaker to stop so that they get a chance of putting their point across that they had been rehearsing in their mind.

One of the deepest hungers of human beings is the hunger to be heard. We all have a voice inside us; we all want to express it. And when we feel that someone's taken out time to listen and acknowledge it, we open ourselves up to that person. Our trust, respect, and outright appreciation for that person soars and so does our relationship with them. Deep listening is one of the bravest and rarest of all the central acts of leadership. And to be a good leader many people feel is to be a good speaker. Sure you have to be a good speaker but effective leaders are also good listeners. Let us try to understand what steps we can follow to be an outstanding listener:

1. No judgments - Many a times we have some preconceived notions about person speaking to us. And as a result, we are not able to get their point. We filter out what they say. Avoid being judgmental while listening as you might miss out on some important information that speaker was trying to put across.

2. Have patience - When the speaker starts conveying something that is contradicting to our beliefs, values or perception, we tend to lose our cool. We try to stop him right away and start debating. Here we should be careful with emotionally charged words. The correct way is to have patience, let the speaker complete what he is trying to say. Accept the fact that the other person can be right too. Don't let it affect your ego. Once the speaker is done, you can mutually try to discuss what your views are and finally you can come to some common ground that will satisfy you as well as the speaker.

3. Avoid distractions - Whenever you are in a conversation, try to avoid distractions that can wait. For eg- your mobile could ring, other person might call you. Quickly try to stop it and also apologize to speaker and encourage him to continue speaking.

4. Ask questions - By asking questions, you are trying to tell speaker that you are keen to know more and also you have effectively listened to whatever he has spoken so far. It will make him feel heard, make him feel understood and he would happily open more in front of you.

5. Summarize - As soon as you feel that speaker is done conversing, you can try to summarize the overall conversation. This will give him a chance to clarify have you misunderstood something. If not, it will give him assurance that you have digested well whatever he has said.

You can gain various benefits by being a good listener. God has given you 2 ears and one mouth. What does that mean? Yes, listen more and speak less. And trust me; you are speaking a lot by speaking less. You are conveying to speaker that you value them and value what they speak. This boosts their self-esteem and they start seeing you as a trustworthy and a reliable person. This in turn will improve your relationships both at the work place as well as in your personal life. How can you improve in your speeches if you don’t listen effectively to your evaluator or how can you evaluate somebody’s speech if you don’t listen to their speech with your full attention. Listening can help you resolve conflicts in a constructive manner. If you respect the fact that no two individuals could be same, you will listen to other person with an open mind, and since you behave patiently the other person will also start getting comfortable with you and will wholeheartedly be ready to listen to you. In this way, it will resolve the conflict without affecting your relationship.

Let us look at some benefits you can reap from effective listening:

1. Listening helps you understand others- The only way to understand others and make them meet your needs and you meet theirs is by listening to them.

2. Listening help you negotiate better- To get what you want you must start at the point of knowing what the other person is willing to give.

3. Listening defuses anger in others- The best initial response to emotions is made with your ears. By listening to an angry person, you understand the cause of their anger and you can then demonstrate proper empathy.

4. Listening builds self esteem- When you listen to another person, you are in effect saying “I value you and what you have to say”. This applies to spouse, your children, employee and friends.

5. Listening makes love real- listening is one of the most convincing expression of love and caring. By taking time to listen, you affirm the other person and show them that they are important to you.

You really honor someone by giving them great listening. Try to give other individuals the gift that they have never received and that gift is nothing but deep listening. And when you listen, the person speaking feels so understood, their personal hunger to have their voice heard begins to get fed, they feel safe; trust grows and then guess what happens?

That person begins to realize that you have their best interests in mind and so they begin to give you their very best. Be spectacularly good in listening. It will help you be masterful at understanding people and build world-class relationships.